24 February 2003
Meta
A google search that has been popular the last little while now appears to be ranked in the top ten of it's own search results... can the end of the Internet be far off?
A google search that has been popular the last little while now appears to be ranked in the top ten of it's own search results... can the end of the Internet be far off?
04 February 2003
Allelujia
Somehow, no matter how surreal things have become, I never thought it would come to this - but tonight I was invited out drinking to discuss with the Mob my view of the future. And if the Mafia doesn't know from PR, who does?
Somehow, no matter how surreal things have become, I never thought it would come to this - but tonight I was invited out drinking to discuss with the Mob my view of the future. And if the Mafia doesn't know from PR, who does?
01 February 2003
Good God
Just ran across this. Which will eat time in the most horrifically disturbing way if you're a hypochondriac.
Just ran across this. Which will eat time in the most horrifically disturbing way if you're a hypochondriac.
26 December 2002
Christmas Miracles
All I've got to say: Thank God this guy won. Imagine if somebody who wasn't a terrifying, already-rich white Southerner got his hands on a chunk of money here in God's chosen land!
All I've got to say: Thank God this guy won. Imagine if somebody who wasn't a terrifying, already-rich white Southerner got his hands on a chunk of money here in God's chosen land!
13 December 2002
We apologise for the unconvenience
Except not really, motherfuckers. I'm not sure who's been posting rants here using my primary email as a reply-to, but whoever you are: fuck you very, very much. If you're irritated by me, have the decency to step forward in a private forum (you've obviously got my email address!) before you start fucking with things in this forum, all right?
EDIT: Which is to say: While I appreciate the cleverness of your disguise (Wow! Golly! I don't know why I didn't think to pretend to be me!), I really don't need the spam. May I suggest using
Except not really, motherfuckers. I'm not sure who's been posting rants here using my primary email as a reply-to, but whoever you are: fuck you very, very much. If you're irritated by me, have the decency to step forward in a private forum (you've obviously got my email address!) before you start fucking with things in this forum, all right?
EDIT: Which is to say: While I appreciate the cleverness of your disguise (Wow! Golly! I don't know why I didn't think to pretend to be me!), I really don't need the spam. May I suggest using
27 November 2002
Happy Holidays!
Question: I’m vegetarian. Can you recommend a good alternative Thanksgiving meal?
Answer: How about a slice of humble pie, you fucking Communist.
Question: I’m vegetarian. Can you recommend a good alternative Thanksgiving meal?
Answer: How about a slice of humble pie, you fucking Communist.
17 November 2002
Science is The Future
One patient enrolled in the duct tape arm lost his study wart in a trampoline toe-amputation accident and was also not included in our analysis.
One patient enrolled in the duct tape arm lost his study wart in a trampoline toe-amputation accident and was also not included in our analysis.
04 November 2002
Update
I'm still under a thousand words - woe! Alas! Alak! - but I've awakened this morning with a certain kind of understanding of what's required and how to go about it, plot-wise (hint: lobsters!), so I'm hopeful. For those who are interested, I believe I'm CruelLittleMan over at nanowrimo as well, but I doubt very much that I'll be particularly active there. I've got other stuff to do this month, see?
I'm still under a thousand words - woe! Alas! Alak! - but I've awakened this morning with a certain kind of understanding of what's required and how to go about it, plot-wise (hint: lobsters!), so I'm hopeful. For those who are interested, I believe I'm CruelLittleMan over at nanowrimo as well, but I doubt very much that I'll be particularly active there. I've got other stuff to do this month, see?
01 November 2002
NaNoWriMo
Yep, I'm doing the motherfucker. One day down, one sentence in... I'm on-track to finish by the end of the month if I don't eat, sleep, or work until December.
Yep, I'm doing the motherfucker. One day down, one sentence in... I'm on-track to finish by the end of the month if I don't eat, sleep, or work until December.
17 October 2002
I Hate Cancer.
So I'll be participating in the 5-mile walk to support the American Cancer Society at Central Park this Sunday, the 20th. If you're against cancer, you should sponsor me by clicking here
If, on the other hand, you're actually in favor of cancer, you're a bad, sick person. Your only hope of redemption is to sponsor me in the Breast Cancer Awareness Month walk being held this Sunday at Central Park - click here to make a contribution!
So I'll be participating in the 5-mile walk to support the American Cancer Society at Central Park this Sunday, the 20th. If you're against cancer, you should sponsor me by clicking here
If, on the other hand, you're actually in favor of cancer, you're a bad, sick person. Your only hope of redemption is to sponsor me in the Breast Cancer Awareness Month walk being held this Sunday at Central Park - click here to make a contribution!
10 October 2002
Dietary
Every Sunday, I buy a half-dozen of the finest everything bagels in the world and transfer them to my freezer.
Every weekday morning, I thaw one in my toaster oven (set at 300) while I shower, slice it, and spread it with cream cheese. I wrap my bagel in paper towels, set it aside, and make two peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches using Jiffy Supercrunch peanut butter, Smuckers strawberry jam, and Stroehmann's whole-wheat bread.
Taking breakfast and lunch in hand, I leave for work dressed in my black-tee and bluejeans uniform. I walk a block north and catch the F train. I ride in the last car, and I transfer at the second stop to the last car of the A train. Two stops later, I get off.
After leaving the station, I buy coffee from the same sidewalk vendor (small, black, no sugar), sit on the same bench, and eat my bagel. Then it's off to work, where I perform repetitive tasks.
Weirdly, this actually makes me happy.
I can feel my lifetime piling up.
Every Sunday, I buy a half-dozen of the finest everything bagels in the world and transfer them to my freezer.
Every weekday morning, I thaw one in my toaster oven (set at 300) while I shower, slice it, and spread it with cream cheese. I wrap my bagel in paper towels, set it aside, and make two peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches using Jiffy Supercrunch peanut butter, Smuckers strawberry jam, and Stroehmann's whole-wheat bread.
Taking breakfast and lunch in hand, I leave for work dressed in my black-tee and bluejeans uniform. I walk a block north and catch the F train. I ride in the last car, and I transfer at the second stop to the last car of the A train. Two stops later, I get off.
After leaving the station, I buy coffee from the same sidewalk vendor (small, black, no sugar), sit on the same bench, and eat my bagel. Then it's off to work, where I perform repetitive tasks.
Weirdly, this actually makes me happy.
I can feel my lifetime piling up.
03 October 2002
Bigwig
The CEO of the company that owns the company that bought my company is going to be in my office tomorrow. Am I cleaning right now? Yes, I am cleaning right now.
The CEO of the company that owns the company that bought my company is going to be in my office tomorrow. Am I cleaning right now? Yes, I am cleaning right now.
02 October 2002
Whizhost
My ex-hosting company www.whizhost.com (no, I shan't link!) is totally unacceptable. Email-only tech support that doesn't often respond, frequent downtime, and today they cut off my account a day early since they knew I didn't plan to renew, leaving me without access to all the email stored there. Avoid at all costs!
My ex-hosting company www.whizhost.com (no, I shan't link!) is totally unacceptable. Email-only tech support that doesn't often respond, frequent downtime, and today they cut off my account a day early since they knew I didn't plan to renew, leaving me without access to all the email stored there. Avoid at all costs!
27 September 2002
Fool me once
Shame on... Shame on you. But fool me can't get fooled again!
You will shortly be returned to our regularly scheduled programming; I've officially moved, and, to my relief, have been out of daily contact with El Gato for some days now. My final contact will occur this weekend, at which time the CLM.com you've long known and loved will resurface, albeit with a handful of programming and content changes, most of which will be invisible to you the reader.
As a final parting gift to my Google friends: Donkey Sex for Beginners.
Shame on... Shame on you. But fool me can't get fooled again!
You will shortly be returned to our regularly scheduled programming; I've officially moved, and, to my relief, have been out of daily contact with El Gato for some days now. My final contact will occur this weekend, at which time the CLM.com you've long known and loved will resurface, albeit with a handful of programming and content changes, most of which will be invisible to you the reader.
As a final parting gift to my Google friends: Donkey Sex for Beginners.
04 September 2002
Disappointment
So I've been looking for a new apartment. In fact, I was supposed to move this weekend; instead, in the rain on a payphone, trying to make an appointment to get keys, I learned that the apartment I was waiting for had suddenly become unavailable.
Not happy.
So I've been looking for a new apartment. In fact, I was supposed to move this weekend; instead, in the rain on a payphone, trying to make an appointment to get keys, I learned that the apartment I was waiting for had suddenly become unavailable.
Not happy.
31 August 2002
Porno con Animales Gratis
Q: What do you get when a site redesign like this one goes live?
A: Twelve hits from the Google search "Man fucking animal".
For which I'm currently ranked sixth. How fucked up is that?
Q: What do you get when a site redesign like this one goes live?
A: Twelve hits from the Google search "Man fucking animal".
For which I'm currently ranked sixth. How fucked up is that?
20 August 2002
The cat, she vomits.
Vomiting Cat Week has begun. The cat, she travels from room to room throwing up. Or, more likely, she's hit on a new kind of construction project, something of which Doozers would probably approve wholeheartedly: she wanders from place to place depositing mouthfuls of apparently undigested kibble wherever she thinks my feet may come to rest.
This morning, for example, she seems to have somehow spirited herself through or under the closed bathroom door whilst I showered, leaving in her wake a slimy heap of fresh-looking damp lamb, which I found with my bare left foot. All stubble-faced and foreign, shouting "Sacre Bleu!", I leapt with that vertical leap for which I have become reknowned in certain circles back into the tub, where I stumbled into the froth of body butter running down from my roommate's shelf and crashed headlong into the wall.
Never get off the boat.
Vomiting Cat Week has begun. The cat, she travels from room to room throwing up. Or, more likely, she's hit on a new kind of construction project, something of which Doozers would probably approve wholeheartedly: she wanders from place to place depositing mouthfuls of apparently undigested kibble wherever she thinks my feet may come to rest.
This morning, for example, she seems to have somehow spirited herself through or under the closed bathroom door whilst I showered, leaving in her wake a slimy heap of fresh-looking damp lamb, which I found with my bare left foot. All stubble-faced and foreign, shouting "Sacre Bleu!", I leapt with that vertical leap for which I have become reknowned in certain circles back into the tub, where I stumbled into the froth of body butter running down from my roommate's shelf and crashed headlong into the wall.
Never get off the boat.
18 August 2002
SCW Redux
Screaming Cat Week II : Irritating Beyond Measure has just opened at my local cinema. How the fuck often do these things go into heat, anyway?
If God had meant us to keep cats as pets, he'd have made us idiots.
Screaming Cat Week II : Irritating Beyond Measure has just opened at my local cinema. How the fuck often do these things go into heat, anyway?
If God had meant us to keep cats as pets, he'd have made us idiots.
31 July 2002
Animal Instincts
I love animals, and not only for the eating. I think bunnies and puppies and baby chicks and baby seals and even kittens are adorable; I'm happy to fritter away the afternoon watching squirrels in the park; there are few sights as stirring as a deer bounding through morning mist or a bear raising dripping jaws from the river or whatever the fuck else. And you already know how I feel about my two wonderful dogs back in Colorado. Anyway, the point is that I really do love animals and am not by nature cruel to them.
Problem is, I've been living with this fucking cat.
For most of my life, I was deadly allergic to cats; in the last year or so, I'd begun to notice that, well, I'm just not anymore. So, being assured by said cat's owner that she was a well-behaved animal, I saw no real problem with the idea of moving in with her.
Problem is, the motherfucker's defective. There is, I mean it, something seriously and irrefutably wrong with this animal. This is an animal that wriggles around in its litter box, is terrified of the shower curtain but loves to play in the curtains that serve as my roomate's walls, and has not stopped screaming for three fucking days. This is a habit that's going to get irritating really, really quickly. I'd thought I'd taught it to be afraid of me; I'm happiest when not being rubbed up against or being tripped up in the hallways, so I spent my first week here shouting NICE KITTY! and clapping my hands whenever she approached me, which had the desired result; until screaming-cat-week began, I didn't see much of her.
This week, though, I've had to prod her with things to get her off the toilet seat every time I've wanted to use the bathroom. She seems to have developed an instinct for when I want to shower, and she's been arranging herself in the tub at appropriate moments so I have to lift her out. And last night, while I was cooking dinner, she crossed the line: she leapt up onto the kitchen counter while I was cooking dinner, and even got one of her paws on my veggie-covered cutting board before she started screaming and drew my attention.
Unfortunately for Kitty, my hands weren't empty at the time. And unfortunately for Kitty, my own animal instincts are pretty damn strong: when I see an animal in my food, I attack, be it bug, mouse, rat or cat. So I swung the pan before I thought about it long enough to realize she's alleged to be a pet and not a pest, and that one does not strike pets with kitchen implements. Rolled-up magazines? You bet. But one must not swat Kitty with a skillet for misbehaving.
Luckily, cats are damned fast; I connected only with the tip of her tail as she performed a miraculous back-flipping escape. But I swear to God, if this keeps up, I won't be held responsible for my own actions. It looks as though neither the cat nor I am trainable; one of us has got to go before somebody gets hurt.
Anybody know of a cheap apartment?
I love animals, and not only for the eating. I think bunnies and puppies and baby chicks and baby seals and even kittens are adorable; I'm happy to fritter away the afternoon watching squirrels in the park; there are few sights as stirring as a deer bounding through morning mist or a bear raising dripping jaws from the river or whatever the fuck else. And you already know how I feel about my two wonderful dogs back in Colorado. Anyway, the point is that I really do love animals and am not by nature cruel to them.
Problem is, I've been living with this fucking cat.
For most of my life, I was deadly allergic to cats; in the last year or so, I'd begun to notice that, well, I'm just not anymore. So, being assured by said cat's owner that she was a well-behaved animal, I saw no real problem with the idea of moving in with her.
Problem is, the motherfucker's defective. There is, I mean it, something seriously and irrefutably wrong with this animal. This is an animal that wriggles around in its litter box, is terrified of the shower curtain but loves to play in the curtains that serve as my roomate's walls, and has not stopped screaming for three fucking days. This is a habit that's going to get irritating really, really quickly. I'd thought I'd taught it to be afraid of me; I'm happiest when not being rubbed up against or being tripped up in the hallways, so I spent my first week here shouting NICE KITTY! and clapping my hands whenever she approached me, which had the desired result; until screaming-cat-week began, I didn't see much of her.
This week, though, I've had to prod her with things to get her off the toilet seat every time I've wanted to use the bathroom. She seems to have developed an instinct for when I want to shower, and she's been arranging herself in the tub at appropriate moments so I have to lift her out. And last night, while I was cooking dinner, she crossed the line: she leapt up onto the kitchen counter while I was cooking dinner, and even got one of her paws on my veggie-covered cutting board before she started screaming and drew my attention.
Unfortunately for Kitty, my hands weren't empty at the time. And unfortunately for Kitty, my own animal instincts are pretty damn strong: when I see an animal in my food, I attack, be it bug, mouse, rat or cat. So I swung the pan before I thought about it long enough to realize she's alleged to be a pet and not a pest, and that one does not strike pets with kitchen implements. Rolled-up magazines? You bet. But one must not swat Kitty with a skillet for misbehaving.
Luckily, cats are damned fast; I connected only with the tip of her tail as she performed a miraculous back-flipping escape. But I swear to God, if this keeps up, I won't be held responsible for my own actions. It looks as though neither the cat nor I am trainable; one of us has got to go before somebody gets hurt.
Anybody know of a cheap apartment?
This has been subgood. Powered by MoveableType. Email see ell em at cruellittleman.com
© Chris Neff